gratitude.....again!

i've had a few issues with my water supply this week (among other things!).
my water tank lives up the hill, a couple of hundred metres walk up a stony, quite steep gravel road.  not a big deal, but a brief and brisk heart starter which also reminds me of the existence of my leg muscles.

i'm curious to note that whenever i have issues with my water, my petulance emerges. i have been known to stamp my foot in fury and irritation.  why do i have to sort everything out?! that's the voice which emerges whenever i run out of water.

when the tank runs dry, which it did this week, the walk becomes longer.  past the tank and through the orchard, down the slippery hill through the bush - towering gums and clingy lantana - round the big tree and   across through the knee high weeds around the top of the dam, to the pump house.....about a 15 minute walk all up, and mostly down hill, and carrying a jerry can full of fuel.  it's a beautiful walk, which i've done about 6 times in the last few days.

the walk back is harder, as it's uphill all the way until the very end.  yesterday, as i trudged up that hill, after a couple of hours of hard labour clearing the lantana from around the pump house and the top of the dam, i tuned in to the pattern of my thoughts as i walk.

i really love the forest around my place.  the walk downhill towards the dam and the pump takes me most of the way to the house of an ex lover, who lives on the neighbouring community.  we had secret assignations in that forest, in the distant past.  oftentimes we would walk to each other's houses, through the forest, in the dark, with the wind whipping the tops of the trees, and moonlight illuminating the path. it was almost unbearably romantic....one time, he laid a trail of lotus leaves from my door to his, all the way through the forest and over the creek.  i often think wistfully of those times, as i head down the hill on the first instalment of my walk.

on the way back, however, my thoughts are different.  the way back is uphill. it is a challenge. i challenge myself to go all the way up in one go, without stopping for a breather.  i notice that when i am walking back, i don't tend to look around me at the scenery, i look down, at the ground in front of me, and my thoughts are focused inward, rather than what i am passing through physically.  i tend to think about those circumstances or relationships which are troubling me, challenging me, in the same way as i am being physically challenged.  this walk allows my thoughts to flow unfettered, and i often find some clarity around situations which have been confusing me.

yesterday was no exception. i undid some knots which i had tied in my consciousness and found some clear space in my mind, and into this clear space flowed thoughts which made sense, which unravelled the mess of my emotions, the confusion i have been feeling about a particular situation in my life.

as i trudged up that hill i thought, i have walked miles of grief over this land.  i have shed a tear or two, but i have quite literally walked myself sane out there.  i am so grateful to have that opportunity, literally on my doorstep.

it's funny that my petulance emerges when i have to fix the water, when the truth is that, each and every time i do it, i experience such a sense of satisfaction that i have again triumphed in meeting the needs of my family.  we go a few days without running water and the sense of gratitude when we have it again is immense.  my kids think i'm really clever when i fix a water leak, and, secretly so do i.  that walk through the forest gives me time and space, an opportunity to reflect on my internal life. an opportunity for satisfaction and triumph over adversity.  such opportunities are actually not so easy to come by in every day life.

i am grateful for this reminder to be grateful!

an existential crisis

do you know, sometimes these days, i feel i don't even know myself? i do not recognise the person i have become.  i am so changed by the events of the last few years. i envisage myself as a piece of elastic, which has stretched too far and for too long, gone through the dryer a few times too many, and has ended up hard, brittle, and no longer flexible. you know the elastic i mean. the waistband of your one time favourite comfy pants, or your favourite undies. that damned piece of elastic which renders the whole thing workable. or not.

i feel like a veteran. of the trenches.  can i say that? or is it really insensitive and politically incorrect? i guess i haven't had to endure anything like the deprivation of those guys, but geez i feel wounded some times.

truly, though, i look back on the woman i used to be, and she is a far different woman to the one i feel nowadays.  once upon a time i used to cast spells in the tide line using a potent blend of shells, driftwood, pebbles, seaweed, and focussed intent.  i many times drew, or wrote, my intent, envisioning my future into being. and so many times it happened that as i drew, so i drew. drew to me that which i so clearly envisioned - sometimes a little in disguise, but always discernible as that which i had wished into being. once upon a time actually DREAMED.  i pondered my world, the universe, and from that i IMAGINED.  i'd invent the most wonderful scenarios for myself, and then over time be so quietly tickled as i watched these ideas manifest in my life.

somewhere along the line, i have lost my capacity to dream. how very sad......