standing at the cemetery as night is falling. light is leaving the sky, in it's wake a blush of pink and orange. a brilliant star appears in the sky. in my car i have found a cd we both used to love, and which i haven't listened to since that time. i play it through the car stereo. i roll a joint, and i contemplate the gravestone as i smoke it, in memory of you.
the music reminds me of my deep love, and my dearest dream, and i once again hold you near, swaying with you in the fading light, contemplating the wonder and the limitlessness of the soul's journey.
the tears roll in a salty trail down my cheeks. they run freely and it is not a wrench to cry so. these tears i let go. i don't fight them, they come with ease. the way is open.
this is such a feeling i am feeling. i am simultaneously feeling the joy and the wonder and the depth of our dreaming, as i am feeling us moving apart. i am filled with gratitude for our union, our communion, as i grieve the passing of time which takes us away.
i am no longer grieving for our unfulfilled potential. tonight, in this glorious moment, i am filled with gratitude for this big, big love. and it is strangely gratitude which opens the way for me to let go.
tonight, i want to make room. i want to clear some space for another big, big love. i need to let this other one go.
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thinking about my children on this day, i understand the myriad natures of love. my lost love is so very different in nature to their lost love. and so our grieving is different. our acceptance is different. our lesson and our perspective are different. while i can open myself to a new lover, they will never find a new daddy. your sister will never find a new brother. you will always be irreplaceable to them.
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standing in the cemetery as the twilight descends, i take the scissors from my car and get down to some pruning. cutting away the ornamental grass plantings which have grown rampant, swamping the red suva frangipini which we planted over your ashes. i clear a little space away, open up your resting place to the sunlight, the moonlight. and doing so i create a little more space inside my heart. i'm recognising that this process is a long and slow goodbye, in which every step away brings me a little closer to you.
