I'm having an attack of the sads today. feeling overwhelmed i guess, and pretty anxious about the first chemotherapy session on friday. it feels like today is the last day i have to achieve anything, given that i work wednesday and thursday, and then it's all systems go come friday, when i jump back into carer mode and all else falls by the wayside.
opening the sad place inside of me gives rise to a multitude of sadnesses, small and big, and then all of a sudden i can't even articulate why i'm crying, because it's so many things.
i have so many things i want to get done today, but of course, i'm crying instead!!
we had a win today, with my daughter hearing news that she has won some big award for academic achievement in the face of adversity. she's very excited, and justifiably proud. it all seems a bit futile to me though, as it won't change anything for her. so we'll troop down to sydney later this month to collect the award, and then fly back and present her arm again at the chemo ward for another dose of toxicity which will hopefully stretch the elastic of time that little bit longer.
i am so not looking forward to this next phase. to watching my daughter wither, her hair fall out, her mouth fill with sores, and see her struggle to eat again. i recall watching a friend go through this a few years ago, and how one day i looked at her, struggling with the chemo, and for the first time faced the thought that she could die. the chemo seemed to be killing her. i have so much fear of this dreaded regime. and it's not even as though it offers much hope. there is no prospect of this treatment being curative. the proposed outcome is just that it will give her a bit longer on this mortal coil. and i guess that's why she's doing it.
i don't judge her decision, not one little bit, and i don't know what i would decide if the decision was mine. anyone out there who thinks they would do differently cannot truthfully say this unless they found themselves in exactly the same situation.
on another note, i am feeling incredible gratitude for this new recurrence. weird, i know. but hear me out.
my plans a few months ago were to help my daughter settle in her new life in brisbane, and then hit the road for a long expanse of nothingness, with my two little girls. i was organising my life and my businesses to take some long overdue time out and go travelling with the kids. if all had gone according to plan i would be far, far away from nimbin right now, and my daughter would be starting uni, getting her licence and her first car and beginning her adult life.
it's only now that i am sharing these victories alongside her, that i realise how grateful i feel to be doing so. had she stayed well and moved out, i would not be a part of this. i would not be promenading her through town telling all and sundry that she just got her licence. i would not see her face light up as she talks about uni, or agonises over which car to buy. i would not have been celebrating her friends' birthdays with them.
this is such a special time in the life of any young adult, and society dictates a separation from parents at this time. it is definitely her misfortune to be stuck dependant upon her mother again, but i am so happy to have this window into her life.
i think that's the only silver lining i can find at this time.....
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