day four blues

it's day four, and it's a grind.
I think my limit for 24/7 caring is about three and a half days. is it wrong of me to be feeling so resentful?

after a couple of days of this I lose the power of speech, and if I do happen to answer the phone, or be required to converse - at school, or the supermarket - i'm unable.

it's impossible to not be forward planning - or forward stressing in many cases.

the thing is, we know this illness. this is chemo sick. we have run the course of the fatigue, dizziness, malaise, nausea, wandering pains, bruising, loss of spirit. we have weathered this storm and seen that it ends.

but what of later? what of the OTHER illness? how will I possibly sustain this role when it gets REALLY bad???

I've organised a babysitter/companion for a couple of hours tomorrow night, so I can have a break.  and grateful for the prospect, too.  it's good that there is enough predictability in this chemo regime that I can safely pop out for a few hours.

it's just so relentless. my other children go to school, and to sleep, and I get a break from them. my eldest dozes a bit during the day, and sleeps for about eight hours at night (though i'm aware of every thump and cough). for every minute that she is awake, I am on call. glasses of water, cups of tea, fresh fruit, cooked meals, remaking the bed, opening the window, taking away dirty tissues and dishes, massaging her feet, washing her clothes, keeping hot water bottles hot, dashing to town for supplies of her latest craving ----- the list is ENDLESS. I groaned a couple of months ago when her grandad sent her home with a doorbell to use in emergencies (the button is in her room and the ringer is in mine). it broke fairly soon after, but I've been so anxious some nights that I've thought I really need to replace it....

just when I think i'm getting my domestic chores in order, there's another demand to be met.  after days and nights of it I am so worn out and my patience is wearing thin.

but there is just nowhere to put these feelings. i'm not proud of feeling this resentment.  many's the time I've thought i'd do ANYTHING for this child, and now here's my chance. I have joked with her over many years, whenever she accused me of some awful deed in our past I would retort with : 'yeah, well you stole my youth so I think we might be nearly even'.  but who am I kidding? I have given this child my life. my entire, independent, adult life has been for and about this child. the others, too, of course, but ultimately her, because she has been with me every step of the way. she is my constant in a changing world. turning 40 this year I will have lived half of  my life as a mother.

even with the other two, who need me more than their big sister ever has, I project into a future without her and I feel rudderless. she's the one who has kept me on the straight and narrow. the one who demanded a certain way of life, certain luxuries, when I would have turned my back on all of society and it's conventions.

........

the real problem is that I am stuck at home, my only company an acutely ill teenager. i'm having all of these thoughts in my head and there's nowhere for them to go. I cannot burden her with them. no one comes over and I only leave for the briefest of mad dashes into town for supplies, or for the school run. I am alone with my thoughts FAR TOO MUCH......