there have been a handful of times in my life where i have been confronted with the fact that i have inflicted unspeakable pain upon someone i love and that i have done so completely unknowingly.....today was one of those times.
i am sitting in the cozy surrounds of my loungeroom, as a fierce wind blows outside - i hear it in the treetops and it brushes my skin through the windows - drinking red wine and running an endless loop in my head, alternating between anger and self justification and just a deep and profound grief.
i'm confronted - again - that sometimes it is all we can do to love from afar.
it pains me that love transmutes into something nasty and putrid and painful.
today marked a fundamental shift in my relationship with my oldest and perhaps dearest friend, and i am grasping onto a hope that she is not lost to me forever. let this just be a bend in the road, not an
irretrievable loss.
but i have to wonder why this is. this has happened to me before - when a dear loved one has angrily cut me loose due to an entrenched feeling of subjugation. i'm forced to ponder - do i really misuse my power to such a degree as to mortally wound those i hold dear????? what is it in my character, what can i do differently to avoid coming to this place again????
and it makes me feel wary of close relationship. if i am so fundamentally flawed (i mean, it really is a fundamental problem if i can't even see where i am going wrong) then i know i will only ultimately hurt those to whom i feel close, somehow.....in a way i don't quite understand....
god....i'm going round and round in circles on this....
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