i feel so inspired to write...on my way here to commit my musings, i passed a post on the blog of a friend of mine, timed 13 minutes ago - this after months, and months, of her committing nothing to this space about her life....i look forward to going back and reading about what so inspired her today...

in fact, i feel so inspired to write, that i may even be making a resolution...i hesitate to call it a 'new year's resolution', but it does appear to be coming over me at this time of year.  whatever the timing, i feel a resolve coalescing inside of me, a resolve to honour this urge to write...i feel i'm edging toward a commitment to write, every day...something....to somehow commit to the capture in words of something, some moment, of each and every day.

today i have been musing upon the nature of  appearances, a train of thought sparked off in me by a number of recent, disparate, interactions with others around me.

if i'm honest (and what would be the point of being otherwise?) pretty much the whole of my life has been fraught with issues, and learnings about how i look to others. for the most part, i have felt positively ugly, and this has coloured my interactions with those around me, as i have approached these interactions feeling immediately inadequate through the simple fact of my ugliness in a world obsessed with beauty.

my outer ugliness has always, in my mind, shown to the outside world my inner corruption, the essential toxicity of my inner, unseen self.

i guess i always held onto a belief that life would be different if i was just beautiful.

the year i turned 30 was the year in which i, for the first time, became aware of my body as something other than a window into the imperfect morass of my essential being - a vehicle which consistently disappointed me by it's flaws and limitations.

at this stage in my life, i was studying full time at uni 40 minutes from home, working an early morning cleaning job before uni three times a week, and a mid-week cafe shift as well.  at home were my two children, partner, acres and mortgage.

at some point i realised that my life was very cereberal, and i needed to somehow balance that out in the physical.  i attended a local martial arts class run by two young guys who i studied with along the way. that class fizzled out within a matter of months, but by that stage i had developed the ability to find my centre, and hold it strong, throughout my daily life.  i was amazed at my own ability to 'centre' and was the first time i had seen and appreciated a tangible linkage to the body/mind/spirit connection.

i started doing circus training with some good friends and this became valuable time out for me, when my sole focus could be me, and my strengths and weaknesses, my own abilities and limitations, allowing my own aspirations for strength, flexibility and physical control to bubble to the surface for examination, analysis and nourishment.  pretty soon i was reliant on this physical outlet as a regular part of my life.

this sort of training opened me up to kickboxing class with a bunch of mums of young kids, on a friday evening, after which we would all share a drink and a laugh at the pub - our drinking and fighting night we called it.  so this kind of physical commitment really also served a purpose of  building social networks and supports as well.

with notable breaks in routine over the last decade, i have maintained this commitment to my physical being and have always since valued having some physical outlet for my energy, lest i burn it all up in my head. sometimes, i find this outlet in dancing, also and wood chopping and yard work.

so, i have pursued a physical regime as a harmoniser for my mental well being.  i have used physical training as a means to the mental and emotional strength to which i aspire. lessons learnt whilst chopping firewood, moving into a yoga pose, straining for a chin up, whirling like a dervish, or battling lantana, have, for me served a deeper purpose as i strive to understand the strengths and boundaries of my mental and emotional self.

as i have actively pursued embodiment, i have strengthened the connections between myself and those beings around me - my friends and family, my workmates, the trees in my forest, the frangipani in bloom, my community and the broader environment and society beyond.  it is through emobodiment which i understand connectivity, the complexity of the weaving which holds this all together, and each and every one of us at the centre of a vast multi dimensional network, the depth and breadth of which is beyond our understanding.

i have noticed and enjoyed the outward changes occurring within my physical self.  somewhere along the way there i must have become attractive to observers, because people do make comments to me about my physicality.  and when that happens i find myself scoffing, feeling a bit annoyed, because i know that what i look like to you tells you nothing about the important bits of my self.  if i happen to fill out a particular dress or pair of pants nicely, is so beside the point.

what i am valuing about myself in this body is not how it looks, but how it holds me all together and allows me to interact with my space through the medium of my physical senses as well as the psychic ones....i am valuing the unique capacity i have for moving through this world of sights, sounds, smells and caresses, in this physical vehicle of mine. what it looks like to others is ultimately immaterial.....


the fundamental problem at the core of the beauty myth is this. beauty is not in the eye of the beholder.  beauty resides in the heart of the beholder. beauty is a feeling, not a visual which we perceive with our eyes. so while we all strive to achieve the body beautiful and sculpt, wax and groom ourselves for the eyes of others, it is all pointless.  beauty is as beauty does and it is our actions which reveal our inner selves to the world. it is our responses to the people and environment in which we work and play which reveal our worth.