the merry go round continues

a sweet and well meaning young woman of my acquaintance asked me today how my week has been. i answered 'it's been challenging' and she asked if i have someone i can download to about it.  i replied that i do.

in all honesty though, this week has been unbearable, and mostly because i feel so completely unable to express my thoughts and feelings to anyone. i have to hold everything together so damn tightly, lest it all unravel and fall to pieces. and besides that, i never get a moment alone, or a moment alone with another adult, in which it is appropriate to purge. i am either working, or surrounded by children.

my poor kids have had to contend with me as morose and uncommunicative, for days now. i go through the motions - they are fed and bathed, they have delicious and nutritious lunch boxes packed each morning, they are encouraged to practice their instruments and get on with their homework.....but that's about it. i can't summon a smile to save myself.

i am obsessively poring over research papers and online forums, looking for some elusive answer which will make everything better, or at least give me some hope.

i just KNOW she is dying. every bad CT scan is just another nail in the coffin and eventually that lid will be nailed down so tight there's no getting out.  it's only a matter of time.

i spoke to a woman recently who believes god cured her husband of degenerative motor neuron disease.  she told me we just have to have enough faith, pray hard enough, and god will cure all ills.  so, where do we agnostics go with that then???  the essential problem is that i don't believe. i don't believe she will ever be really well again.  when i first clapped eyes on that purple lump on her breast, i KNEW how this would end.  having nearly 12 months free of treatment, free of apparent disease....i don't know if that was cruel or merciful really.  it gave us a chance to heal from the trauma of surgery/diagnosis/prognosis/treatment, but more importantly, it gave us a chance to let go of the fear and apprehension.  it gave us a chance to dream again, to plan. only to have all those dreams and plans ripped away, again.

this cycle is killing me, too. it is unbearable. and yet, how can i possibly wish for it to end? because wishing for it to end is wishing for her to die, isn't it??? and how could a mother possibly wish that for her child???

so, in her remarkable self assurance and resilience, the young one in question has gone off interstate to uni this week. doing orientation for the law course she is starting anew this year. while i am here, feeling totally overwhelmed, unable to work effectively, dealing with a shit load of self loathing and grief....i just wish someone would show me how to get off this fucking ride....