grief trumps hope

well folks, i have a feeling its going to get a little raw and emotional on here tonight, so if you don't think you're up for that, tune out now.

on april 16th last year, i learned of the death of michael, my one big love, the father of my two little girls.  i last spoke to michael on the 11th, and until tonight, i believed that that was the night he died.

tonight, this evening, i was overcome by a blanketing, all encompassing storm of grief....a wrenching sadness which twisted my insides, stole my breath, consumed me....and i knew that this was michael's pain i was experiencing.

absenting myself mid dinner prep, i fled to the darkness and solitude of my bedroom, and gave myself over to the physical sensations of sadness and reflective pain as i pictured each of my loved ones and relived their shock and grief and absolute DISBELIEF of the reality of a world without michael.

i so nearly suffocated on the collective secretions of my nose, eyes and lungs as i struggled to breath through it. i'm already producing such copious amounts of snot due to having this flu.......anyway, i'm left feeling really cold and spent. i'd love a fire to curl up by.....

it's not a wager i will ever collect on, but i would put money on the date and time of michael's death now.



this has been a day of very present emotions, for more reasons than one.

today we learned that the recent chemotherapy regime has been effective in terms of controlling the growth of cancers in my daughter's lungs.  the main tumour has shrunk significantly, and some smaller lesions appear to have died altogether.....curiously, did you know that a lung can remain healthy and functional, despite the presence of 'holes' in it? i learned that today.....

the current conventional wisdom is to continue with this line of intervention for a bit longer, and we are also exploring some other options alongside the conventional chemotherapy.

so anyway that result seems to be a bit of a reprieve, which is good.....

my daughter seems strong and consistently positive regarding both her present, and her future.

i look forward to a moment of fully appreciating that reprieve at some point when i'm not aching from this current grief.....