ruminations on the nature of struggling

today i confronted the fact that i am struggling. that i struggle......today i struggled.

the realisation came as i was driving my car back home, from a lightening trip into town for supplies and, i hoped, a momentary escape from a day which was really taxing my reserves of patience and fortitude.

i was hurrying to get back, swinging the car round the potholes and corners whilst simultaneously massaging my neck and shoulder ( i pulled a muscle - in the shower!), and thinking about what was waiting for me at home.....my youngest has a chest and a head FULL of snot, she is coughing and spluttering, her cheeks are aflame; she's a veritable germ factory.  my middle girl has been flushed, tired and tetchy since coming home from a brief trip away with friends, two days ago.  both small girls suffered a mysterious, short lived vomitting episode yesterday afternoon.

my eldest had chemo on thursday, and these days following treatment leave her severely immunocompromised.  she is perfect prey for any stray pathogen around, and there is a steady supply at my house at the moment.

the last couple of days have been incredibly wearing.  i have worried, about each child individually in her own personal illness.  i have worried about my own capacity to care for each of them, in their own individual way of needing me.  i have worried terribly about having them all here together, one big toxic milieu....but despite working through myriad scenarios in my mind, i couldn't see a way that i could nurture and nourish each and every one of them.....

......and then i put my neck out!!!

i reached the point this afternoon of needing supplies from town, and also needing to escape, however briefly, and i left the two youngest on the couch watching a movie, and the eldest snacking in the kitchen, and fled to the streets of nimbin.

while i did get coffee (hooray!) it was ultimately a very unfulfilling escape, as it was extremely short (i WORRIED about them) and i realised as soon as i got there that i was unfit for human consumption, and then proceeded to see about 15 people who could, and would, have got me out of my funk if only i could give them the time to do it.....

and as i drove home, i allowed myself the thought that this is struggling....

sometimes, the only thing which gets you through is the knowledge that that slowly grinding wheel of time will inevitably drag itself forward, and us along with it, and.......THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

i am grateful to my good friend and sister, who took the girls for a few hours later in the afternoon, and gave me some breathing space, some catch up time.....giving me an extra little shot of stamina which allowed me to build a fire for my family, cook up a delicious and nutritious meal which was enjoyed by all, and to read an extra long instalment of THE NEVER ENDING STORY by the fire before bed.

as i was blessed by another good friend and neighbour who visited yesterday evening - despite the vomit - to play with my kids while i cooked, and who later gave me a foot rub by the fire.

and, again, there are the gems amongst the shit...glimmering away slyly....waiting patiently to be noticed....

...hmmmm....seems this blog is turning into an oprah winfrey style gratitude journal.........!