spirals & anniversaries

here it comes, descending.
i feel it settling upon me, weighting my limbs, my neck, my head.
what is it i feel alighting?

is it a bodily weariness?
does it come from days and days of illness, perhaps? followed by a looooong, involving day of children, doctors, driving, people, children....maybe i am still sick and this is what i'm feeling.

or could it be that ugly black cloud of grief? all of a sudden i'm overcome with memories, reliving this time last year in my life.  as the anniversary of michael's passing approaches - mere days away - i'm struck by the tendency of my idle thoughts turning to him, turning back to the raw aching confusion of the days around his death.
it is this then that assails me this night, making me restless, thoughtful.....agitated?
am i living the cliche of anniversary-related anxiety??!! oh god, i'd like to be a little more original....

it does seem unavoidable to feel him around me at the moment.  i am calling up joyful memories of his time with his kids. i hold dear a mental image of a photograph of michael walking up the track at tuntable with mally on his shoulders and arky walking by his side. in my mental image of this picture, michael's head is inclined downwards, presumably totally engaged with a prattling arky, whose focus is upward, toward her dad. mally, on high, is holding her tangled golden hair out of her eyes with one of her hands, and probably butting in on arky's story to tell HER VERSION.....it is my misfortune that i wasn't there at the time the photo was taken....i was, however, there on many other occassions of harmony and shared delight, and i call these up....to lighten the load a little.

as i sit and ponder on my perch on the verandah railing, observing the stars through a light layer of fog, feeling the late autumn chill on my cheeks, my neck, it occurs to me: it just may be the mist settling upon the crisp, cool night outside, it just may be it's winter's approach which has me feeling this heaviness.

ha! i think some of this steiner stuff is creeping in on me! sometime after michael died last year, i attended a winter festival at my daughters' school.  it's probably the fourth or fifth or even sixth of these which i've attended, but it was the first at which i really felt and understood the symbolism of walking a spiral in darkness, spiralling inward toward a little light from a candle in the centre, whereupon one receives the light in one's own candle, to carry outward into the darkness.

that time in my life was so unbearably, so unutterably DARK and yet i understood, i felt empowered being able to walk INTO the darkness, confidently and find that tiny light, and walk with it, take it with me, and take along with me it's warmth.

i found tremendous comfort from that ritual, from that symbolism.

very soon i must channel these feelings, this energy.....winter's cold will impel me to become active, to stay warm, to keep the home fires stoked....and this will be my little offering of warmth and nurturing in an otherwise cold and frosty world....for now i'll wear a scarf and cradle a cup of steaming tea....