when i first started this blog, i was aware of a condition in my life in which i felt completely and utterly unable to share and open up to those close to me about my fears, weaknesses and vulnerabilities, whilst at the same time recognising the imperative in doing just that....at this time i was experiencing a deep anguish, a fetid wound on my soul, and i knew i needed to air it, subject it to light, stop hiding it away in the murky depths which allowed it to fester...i have a sense that at times people were reading my words, and there were times when i definitely contributed to this site as a way of communicating with people, knowing they were directly getting the information. many other times i used this forum as a way of just getting the words out of me, away from me....much like a painter paints, i guess....
at the time of this blog's conception, i had become so adept at deflecting questions such as 'how are you going?' etc, that there came a time when i felt i had lost the ability to answer honestly, altogether...and hence this blog was born : a place outside of my own mind, separate from my soul and my internal space; a place to commit the fear, the weakness and vulnerability, and to some extent excise it from myself...
and lo, here i find myself again! perhaps two years after first inhabiting this particular dark and treacherous place, i find i recognise this place. i remember what it feels like to stammer through an insightless and shallow conversation with a true and trusted and genuinely concerned friend; to slink away or avoid social events where i might come across people who actually care about my well being; to use my children as a shield which deflects attention away from myself....
do you know, i think i may have forgotten who i am....i really can't tell you anymore, what makes me, ME. i feel i have become unifaceted....i have lost my depth.....
i have lost my depth.....to the depths....what a notion....
i am feeling unmoored, untethered......unhinged perhaps....
i commit here a verbal illustration of descent.....into madness, maybe....fact is that i don't know where i'm descending TO....just aware that this is a downward trajectory....i don't even wish for a parachute...
my eyes are dams - holding back a rising tide of water which i feel too tired, too exhausted to even shed...it all seems so pointless. what is the point of crying, in this situation? and to anyone who worries that this place is called 'suicidal' - don't worry, really, even that seems pointless and i am so lacking in will right now that i am totally safe from self harm/liberation....
it is unavoidable, i think, that i have been, am being, changed by life's circumstances....this is a process of transition, and it is a painful birth indeed...it is happening in the dark. i cannot see who or what i am becoming, where i am going, or even appreciate what anything looks like outside of this place....even my mantra eludes me.....this too shall pass; this too shall pass; this too shall pass......
