lessons from incapacity

So, I’ve been incapacitated for the last little while.  I fell of a ladder while at work and damaged the connective tissue in my knee. I’m fairly sure this was a message from the powers that be.  At that time in my life I was feeling very inspired, and excited, about projects I was imagining, things I could see myself doing, at some point in the dawning year. I guess I was so busy looking forward that I was not paying attention to what was happening for me right here, right now, and being the wilful and obstinate ox that I am, it took a fall from a ladder to stop me and deliver me into the present moment.

I’ve discovered I’m not very good with incapacity.  I get frustrated at my own incapability and anxious for resolution so I can get a move on with all the things I can see need doing.

I have, however, enjoyed the opportunity to minister to myself – something which I often run out of time for in a busy life.  At this time, it is perfectly okay for me to assert my needs, and seek to fulfil my own needs – it is okay for me to be self absorbed.

A friend came over with a huge tub of turmeric – probably a kilo of it.  I have been making a paste to apply to my knee joint before binding with a firm bandage.  We had fun painting up my youngest with it too, burnishing her golden as a traditional Indian bride! Tonight I added cayenne and cinnamon to the poultice and massaged and gently manipulated my knee and leg through the bandage.  This was an exercise in self belief, actually, as the poultice grew hotter and hotter against my skin and I wondered if I was burning myself. But I felt so good on those muscles which have been clenched in pain and restricted movement for four days now.  I did take the poultice off after about half an hour, but I think it was beneficial and I didn’t end up burning my skin.

I’m also taking turmeric internally, in a mix of anti inflammatory herbs and drinking litres of nettle tea.  Nettle is known for its affinity for the joints, and specifically for drawing inflammation out of the joints.  Additionally, it is a strengthening tonic and nutrient dense – just what I need at this time of recovery and recuperation.

I’m rounding out my therapeutic regime with fish oils and homeopathics – an internal remedy, as well as topical arnica once or twice per day.

My kids have really risen to the occasion. My eldest has been away, but the littlies have really come through for me. My middle girl has cooked dinner two nights in a row, and done a pretty good job with it, too. She has uncomplainingly (mostly) picked up, tidied and cleared whenever asked.

Her younger sister has done her jobs obligingly and even taken on more to help me and her sister out. She asked me to remind her, if I thought she was not taking responsibility!

And the two of them together have pottered about the house, trapped here along with me, creating various masterpieces, inventing, drawing, building cubbies and just generally entertaining themselves, together and alongside one another, with a minimum of fuss and fights.

So, despite my frustration at the thwarting of my immediate plans for physical activity and my current inability to work and move forward in so many areas in my life, I guess it’s true to say that I have enjoyed this time at home with my kids.

I have again been reminded about the goodness of my loved ones, who have variously brought me groceries, kidnapped me and taken me for coffee, driven me to the airport, sat with me at the hospital, dressed my injury and myriad more acts of kindness and generosity.

And that, my friends, is the glimmer of a gemstone, hiding amongst the dross……

fell off a ladder

let this suffice for yesterday's missive.

fell off a ladder at work. damaged my knee which is now a tightly bound and largely immobile, throbbing ball of pain.  i am hobbling about the place with crutches. no driving.....

an enforced rest perhaps.....

so, i have made a commitment to myself to write something, every day. today i felt so uninspired.....!

let me see....the things which inspired me today:

feeling the breeze under my arms at about 4.30pm after feeling sticky all afternoon
cold peppermint tea
martina topley bird

funny that it was such an uninspiring day for me....it started out so promising! i chose to not go out last night (new years eve) and stayed home alone instead. i don't think i've done that since i was a teenager.  it felt like a good thing to do. i had options, and friends at various places to meet up with, but as the day stretched into the evening, i just didn't feel like leaving my nest. i didn't want to go out and drink. i didn't want to encounter awkward conversation. i didn't want drama or angst or love interests.

what i wanted was ease and contentment, which is just what i had found in the last couple of days at home, working around my place. i had found inspiration in my own patch and i liked that feeling and didn't want to put it away, even for a night.  i curled up in my bed at about 10.30pm, tired and content, and slept soundly until i woke for work this morning.

as i drove into town i mused on what my friends were up to. most of them, i knew, would be nursing hangovers, or waking up in their car somewhere, or facing a mountain of bottles and dirty dishes.  it felt so simple to have chosen otherwise, and the earth was not shattering....just another day dawning with a list of aims and aspirations to work through....

so i worked all day today in town, in my shop. custom was slow, and the crowd today were not very engaging or engaged with what i was doing - with one or two exceptions. there were no heart warming chats or connections.  i got through most of my list, served a lot of tea, and generated a bit of custom for my businesses.

i was looking forward to returning to my nest, to potter some more, as i have done this evening.

and so begins another year. the last one seems to have happened in a heartbeat.

i am excited for this year. there is change in the air and i like it. i feel full of ideas and am dreaming of plans, and futures and possibilities. i know there's big stuff coming, i can feel it. but i am not afraid, not at this moment. i feel so full of the possibilities......