....this too shall pass; this too shall pass; this to shall pass...

when i first started this blog, i was aware of a condition in my life in which i felt completely and utterly unable to share and open up to those close to me about my fears, weaknesses and vulnerabilities, whilst at the same time recognising the imperative in doing just that....at this time i was experiencing a deep anguish, a fetid wound on my soul, and i knew i needed to air it, subject it to light, stop hiding it away in the murky depths which allowed it to fester...i have a sense that at times people were reading my words, and there were times when i definitely contributed to this site as a way of communicating with people, knowing they were directly getting the information.  many other times i used this forum as a way of just getting the words out of me, away from me....much like a painter paints, i guess....

at the time of this blog's conception, i had become so adept at deflecting questions such as 'how are you going?' etc, that there came a time when i felt i had lost the ability to answer honestly, altogether...and hence this blog was born : a place outside of my own mind, separate from my soul and my internal space; a place to commit the fear, the weakness and vulnerability, and to some extent excise it from myself...

and lo, here i find myself again! perhaps two years after first inhabiting this particular dark and treacherous place, i find i recognise this place. i remember what it feels like to stammer through an insightless and shallow conversation with a true and trusted and genuinely concerned friend; to slink away or avoid social events where i might come across people who actually care about my well being; to use my children as a shield which deflects attention away from myself....

do you know, i think i may have forgotten who i am....i really can't tell you anymore, what makes me, ME. i feel i have become unifaceted....i have lost my depth.....

i have lost my depth.....to the depths....what a notion....


i am feeling unmoored, untethered......unhinged perhaps....

i commit here a verbal illustration of descent.....into madness, maybe....fact is that i don't know where i'm descending TO....just aware that this is a downward trajectory....i don't even wish for a parachute...


my eyes are dams - holding back a rising tide of water which i feel too tired, too exhausted to even shed...it all seems so pointless. what is the point of crying, in this situation? and to anyone who worries that this place is called 'suicidal' - don't worry, really, even that seems pointless and i am so lacking in will right now that i am totally safe from self harm/liberation....


it is unavoidable, i think, that i have been, am being, changed by life's circumstances....this is a process of transition, and it is a painful birth indeed...it is happening in the dark. i cannot see who or what i am becoming, where i am going, or even appreciate what anything looks like outside of this place....even my mantra eludes me.....this too shall pass; this too shall pass; this too shall pass......

there's definitely a mania manifest in my domestic sphere tonight. all day in fact. today i dusted, cobwebbed, scrubbed, swept, washed, sorted and moved things about for the entire day. and all the while my youngest kept herself busy all day, with sewing (which ended in tears), guitar playing (which ended in violence), washing the car (which she stuck with to the very end), making a banana and blueberry smoothie (yum!), time spent attempting to train the guinea pigs (not much success), a walk to the neighbours' with cake, reading three chapters of the muddle headed wombat...all manner of things she attempted today. her mood swung wildly between energetic, inspired and creative and tears, frustration, anger and violence. she took a long while to relax tonight for sleeping, her mind racing and keeping her awake.

i recognise her restlessness right now. i feel it too tonight.

and my other beautiful, middle girl has been ill for a week, and she has overnight become bony. she has barely eaten over this time. she has been weak, and hurting and requiring of constant attention to administer medicines, encourage to eat, and drink, and extricate from scraps with her sister....and pick up after!

...and somehow i must wrangle it all in to shape, in order to leave again on monday morning for an indeterminate amount of time....

drinking red wine alone...is this problematic?
it's my first day in my own home in nearly a week. i haven't seen my own children in five days. this week i found myself catapulted, yet again, into a hell not of my own making....sitting in impotence as my daughter battles intense and intolerable pain. bearing witness to her agony. there is something very wrong when i have nothing to offer her; when my only role is to bear witness to her suffering....
is it weak, i wonder, to have the thought that, in the same situation, i would opt out? seriously, i would kill myself; i would take all of my pain meds at once and just end it....i'm questioning quality of life in a very serious way....
this is a very fucked and misunderstood universe indeed...i cannot conceive of the rhyme or reason behind this, and at this moment i have a total and bewildering lack of faith...perhaps it is just drunkeness, but i just don't understand...i can't see the lesson here....i cannot even believe that there is a lesson in this...it is just plain wrong that suffering such as this exists in the world.  we think we are so advanced, so savvy but the reality is that good people suffer unimaginably....

thank god for you tube

oh

my heart is breaking

it   is   positively   aching

with the weight of her tears

she  is  too  young  to  know  this

plumbing ever greater depths of grief

such dark and scary places

she leads me

this child of mine

she holds my heart in her hand

 i blindly follow her

into darker

heavier

and altogether more 

frightening

fields of despair

she leads me to where there is nothing left to hold onto

and then i have to find something to hold onto

for both of us

together we watch him on you tube

because she can't remember

what he sounds like

thank god for you tube

an open letter to all the married or otherwise attached men in my past, present and future

if you're not capable of monogomy......

                                              ....don't get married

if you struggle with monogomy and are married.....

                                                       ....deal with it

                                                                .....maybe try therapy

if you are married and compelled to have sexual thoughts about other people.....

                                                                                            ....keep this to yourself

call it a delicious little secret if you must

though you tarnish it

(speak to your therapist if you're having trouble processing)

don't burden the rest of us with your forbidden fantasy

..............................................

mostly when i dance, i do so because of how it makes ME feel.....

                                                                    ......it has nothing to do with you

and by the way, it's rude to stare

..........................

just because you find me interesting

and clever

and strong

and sensitive

and sensual

and attractive in many and splendid ways.......

                                                             ......doesn't mean you must imagine fucking me

it is possible to like someone's company without needing to sexualise it

and it's also possible to sexualise without needing to share it

..............................................................................................

yes, of course i am an archetype

but how dare you diminish me?

i am more than you will ever know 

.......so long as you cast me in this role of interloper.......

............................................................

don't make me be the spotlight you're afraid of seeing on your own life.....

                                               .......unless you're prepared to shine your light back on me

come to me radiant,

bring me your light.

.......or don't bother coming round at all.....

i'm no longer enamoured of the shadows

your struggle....

              .....confusion

                      .....torment

                                 ....desire

they hold no interest for me

..............................

i don't want your compulsion

...............................

don't you see?

don't you see that when you WANT me in some way

you close your eyes to what you actually HAVE?

if you are a married or otherwise attached man in my past, present, or future, you are the luckiest man alive....

......you have a wife you have chosen to share your life

who has chosen to be with you...

....as well as a fabulous

clever

interesting

and altogether attractive friend to spend time with....

so leave your struggle at the door my friend, 

come in by the fire, 

and raise a glass to untroubled waters....

gratitude.....again!

i've had a few issues with my water supply this week (among other things!).
my water tank lives up the hill, a couple of hundred metres walk up a stony, quite steep gravel road.  not a big deal, but a brief and brisk heart starter which also reminds me of the existence of my leg muscles.

i'm curious to note that whenever i have issues with my water, my petulance emerges. i have been known to stamp my foot in fury and irritation.  why do i have to sort everything out?! that's the voice which emerges whenever i run out of water.

when the tank runs dry, which it did this week, the walk becomes longer.  past the tank and through the orchard, down the slippery hill through the bush - towering gums and clingy lantana - round the big tree and   across through the knee high weeds around the top of the dam, to the pump house.....about a 15 minute walk all up, and mostly down hill, and carrying a jerry can full of fuel.  it's a beautiful walk, which i've done about 6 times in the last few days.

the walk back is harder, as it's uphill all the way until the very end.  yesterday, as i trudged up that hill, after a couple of hours of hard labour clearing the lantana from around the pump house and the top of the dam, i tuned in to the pattern of my thoughts as i walk.

i really love the forest around my place.  the walk downhill towards the dam and the pump takes me most of the way to the house of an ex lover, who lives on the neighbouring community.  we had secret assignations in that forest, in the distant past.  oftentimes we would walk to each other's houses, through the forest, in the dark, with the wind whipping the tops of the trees, and moonlight illuminating the path. it was almost unbearably romantic....one time, he laid a trail of lotus leaves from my door to his, all the way through the forest and over the creek.  i often think wistfully of those times, as i head down the hill on the first instalment of my walk.

on the way back, however, my thoughts are different.  the way back is uphill. it is a challenge. i challenge myself to go all the way up in one go, without stopping for a breather.  i notice that when i am walking back, i don't tend to look around me at the scenery, i look down, at the ground in front of me, and my thoughts are focused inward, rather than what i am passing through physically.  i tend to think about those circumstances or relationships which are troubling me, challenging me, in the same way as i am being physically challenged.  this walk allows my thoughts to flow unfettered, and i often find some clarity around situations which have been confusing me.

yesterday was no exception. i undid some knots which i had tied in my consciousness and found some clear space in my mind, and into this clear space flowed thoughts which made sense, which unravelled the mess of my emotions, the confusion i have been feeling about a particular situation in my life.

as i trudged up that hill i thought, i have walked miles of grief over this land.  i have shed a tear or two, but i have quite literally walked myself sane out there.  i am so grateful to have that opportunity, literally on my doorstep.

it's funny that my petulance emerges when i have to fix the water, when the truth is that, each and every time i do it, i experience such a sense of satisfaction that i have again triumphed in meeting the needs of my family.  we go a few days without running water and the sense of gratitude when we have it again is immense.  my kids think i'm really clever when i fix a water leak, and, secretly so do i.  that walk through the forest gives me time and space, an opportunity to reflect on my internal life. an opportunity for satisfaction and triumph over adversity.  such opportunities are actually not so easy to come by in every day life.

i am grateful for this reminder to be grateful!

an existential crisis

do you know, sometimes these days, i feel i don't even know myself? i do not recognise the person i have become.  i am so changed by the events of the last few years. i envisage myself as a piece of elastic, which has stretched too far and for too long, gone through the dryer a few times too many, and has ended up hard, brittle, and no longer flexible. you know the elastic i mean. the waistband of your one time favourite comfy pants, or your favourite undies. that damned piece of elastic which renders the whole thing workable. or not.

i feel like a veteran. of the trenches.  can i say that? or is it really insensitive and politically incorrect? i guess i haven't had to endure anything like the deprivation of those guys, but geez i feel wounded some times.

truly, though, i look back on the woman i used to be, and she is a far different woman to the one i feel nowadays.  once upon a time i used to cast spells in the tide line using a potent blend of shells, driftwood, pebbles, seaweed, and focussed intent.  i many times drew, or wrote, my intent, envisioning my future into being. and so many times it happened that as i drew, so i drew. drew to me that which i so clearly envisioned - sometimes a little in disguise, but always discernible as that which i had wished into being. once upon a time actually DREAMED.  i pondered my world, the universe, and from that i IMAGINED.  i'd invent the most wonderful scenarios for myself, and then over time be so quietly tickled as i watched these ideas manifest in my life.

somewhere along the line, i have lost my capacity to dream. how very sad......

the merry go round continues

a sweet and well meaning young woman of my acquaintance asked me today how my week has been. i answered 'it's been challenging' and she asked if i have someone i can download to about it.  i replied that i do.

in all honesty though, this week has been unbearable, and mostly because i feel so completely unable to express my thoughts and feelings to anyone. i have to hold everything together so damn tightly, lest it all unravel and fall to pieces. and besides that, i never get a moment alone, or a moment alone with another adult, in which it is appropriate to purge. i am either working, or surrounded by children.

my poor kids have had to contend with me as morose and uncommunicative, for days now. i go through the motions - they are fed and bathed, they have delicious and nutritious lunch boxes packed each morning, they are encouraged to practice their instruments and get on with their homework.....but that's about it. i can't summon a smile to save myself.

i am obsessively poring over research papers and online forums, looking for some elusive answer which will make everything better, or at least give me some hope.

i just KNOW she is dying. every bad CT scan is just another nail in the coffin and eventually that lid will be nailed down so tight there's no getting out.  it's only a matter of time.

i spoke to a woman recently who believes god cured her husband of degenerative motor neuron disease.  she told me we just have to have enough faith, pray hard enough, and god will cure all ills.  so, where do we agnostics go with that then???  the essential problem is that i don't believe. i don't believe she will ever be really well again.  when i first clapped eyes on that purple lump on her breast, i KNEW how this would end.  having nearly 12 months free of treatment, free of apparent disease....i don't know if that was cruel or merciful really.  it gave us a chance to heal from the trauma of surgery/diagnosis/prognosis/treatment, but more importantly, it gave us a chance to let go of the fear and apprehension.  it gave us a chance to dream again, to plan. only to have all those dreams and plans ripped away, again.

this cycle is killing me, too. it is unbearable. and yet, how can i possibly wish for it to end? because wishing for it to end is wishing for her to die, isn't it??? and how could a mother possibly wish that for her child???

so, in her remarkable self assurance and resilience, the young one in question has gone off interstate to uni this week. doing orientation for the law course she is starting anew this year. while i am here, feeling totally overwhelmed, unable to work effectively, dealing with a shit load of self loathing and grief....i just wish someone would show me how to get off this fucking ride....

i can't see blue knob for the cloud which has settled in the valley between here and there. it's a very strange sensation for my brain. my eyes are straining to see what my brain knows is there. sometimes i think i can catch a glimmer of an outline of the mountain through the cloud, but then it's gone and it seems i have just filled in what i know to be true. i wonder if this is a front, advancing, toward me. hopefully it will bring some rain with it....

it is another example of how the exterior so succinctly mirrors the interior....or is it that i have so successfully projected my inner outward? whichever....

my mind, too, is clouded, yet light still, with birdsong, whispering wind and dancing trees. but it seems i am disconnected, watching, as the front advances.  i struggle for clarity, clarity of vision, of purpose, of direction.

in my home, as i sit and write, sipping a new blend, i briefly hear a mouse, difficult to judge whether it is at my elbow or over the other side of the house.  i look for it, but it eludes me, goes quiet for a while, and then returns to disturb my flow, just when i have finally let it go....

there are mice in my mind, also. little distracting, gnawing, thoughts which dart in and out, stealing my focus, jolting me out of my brief glimpses of ease or understanding. sometimes these thoughts are smelly, putrid, and lingering, like the mouse wee i sometimes find on my clothes, or the occassional, rotting, dead things which appear in odd places in my home.

i'm drinking a herbal blend, to fortify myself for what i can see is a rough road ahead. my friend on the CSG blockade site often uses the term 'red alert' in relation to the battle they are waging against the capitalist, environmental vandals, and this time for me feels like my own, personal red alert.  i feel shaken loose from any complacency, i am confronting impermanence, i am poised to move in the direction that is placed before me. i feel totally helpless to determine that direction myself. the battle is coming to me.

i am preparing to take to the skies. to pack my bags and travel, wherever necessary, in support of my daughter and her own, personal battle against the cancer which gnaws away at her.....holding my bewildered younger daughters close, tighter for the knowledge that i may leave them behind at certain points on the road, as i ruthlessly prioritise the needs of my little family.....

so, wish me luck, comrades, as i take on this latest campaign.

lessons from incapacity

So, I’ve been incapacitated for the last little while.  I fell of a ladder while at work and damaged the connective tissue in my knee. I’m fairly sure this was a message from the powers that be.  At that time in my life I was feeling very inspired, and excited, about projects I was imagining, things I could see myself doing, at some point in the dawning year. I guess I was so busy looking forward that I was not paying attention to what was happening for me right here, right now, and being the wilful and obstinate ox that I am, it took a fall from a ladder to stop me and deliver me into the present moment.

I’ve discovered I’m not very good with incapacity.  I get frustrated at my own incapability and anxious for resolution so I can get a move on with all the things I can see need doing.

I have, however, enjoyed the opportunity to minister to myself – something which I often run out of time for in a busy life.  At this time, it is perfectly okay for me to assert my needs, and seek to fulfil my own needs – it is okay for me to be self absorbed.

A friend came over with a huge tub of turmeric – probably a kilo of it.  I have been making a paste to apply to my knee joint before binding with a firm bandage.  We had fun painting up my youngest with it too, burnishing her golden as a traditional Indian bride! Tonight I added cayenne and cinnamon to the poultice and massaged and gently manipulated my knee and leg through the bandage.  This was an exercise in self belief, actually, as the poultice grew hotter and hotter against my skin and I wondered if I was burning myself. But I felt so good on those muscles which have been clenched in pain and restricted movement for four days now.  I did take the poultice off after about half an hour, but I think it was beneficial and I didn’t end up burning my skin.

I’m also taking turmeric internally, in a mix of anti inflammatory herbs and drinking litres of nettle tea.  Nettle is known for its affinity for the joints, and specifically for drawing inflammation out of the joints.  Additionally, it is a strengthening tonic and nutrient dense – just what I need at this time of recovery and recuperation.

I’m rounding out my therapeutic regime with fish oils and homeopathics – an internal remedy, as well as topical arnica once or twice per day.

My kids have really risen to the occasion. My eldest has been away, but the littlies have really come through for me. My middle girl has cooked dinner two nights in a row, and done a pretty good job with it, too. She has uncomplainingly (mostly) picked up, tidied and cleared whenever asked.

Her younger sister has done her jobs obligingly and even taken on more to help me and her sister out. She asked me to remind her, if I thought she was not taking responsibility!

And the two of them together have pottered about the house, trapped here along with me, creating various masterpieces, inventing, drawing, building cubbies and just generally entertaining themselves, together and alongside one another, with a minimum of fuss and fights.

So, despite my frustration at the thwarting of my immediate plans for physical activity and my current inability to work and move forward in so many areas in my life, I guess it’s true to say that I have enjoyed this time at home with my kids.

I have again been reminded about the goodness of my loved ones, who have variously brought me groceries, kidnapped me and taken me for coffee, driven me to the airport, sat with me at the hospital, dressed my injury and myriad more acts of kindness and generosity.

And that, my friends, is the glimmer of a gemstone, hiding amongst the dross……

fell off a ladder

let this suffice for yesterday's missive.

fell off a ladder at work. damaged my knee which is now a tightly bound and largely immobile, throbbing ball of pain.  i am hobbling about the place with crutches. no driving.....

an enforced rest perhaps.....

so, i have made a commitment to myself to write something, every day. today i felt so uninspired.....!

let me see....the things which inspired me today:

feeling the breeze under my arms at about 4.30pm after feeling sticky all afternoon
cold peppermint tea
martina topley bird

funny that it was such an uninspiring day for me....it started out so promising! i chose to not go out last night (new years eve) and stayed home alone instead. i don't think i've done that since i was a teenager.  it felt like a good thing to do. i had options, and friends at various places to meet up with, but as the day stretched into the evening, i just didn't feel like leaving my nest. i didn't want to go out and drink. i didn't want to encounter awkward conversation. i didn't want drama or angst or love interests.

what i wanted was ease and contentment, which is just what i had found in the last couple of days at home, working around my place. i had found inspiration in my own patch and i liked that feeling and didn't want to put it away, even for a night.  i curled up in my bed at about 10.30pm, tired and content, and slept soundly until i woke for work this morning.

as i drove into town i mused on what my friends were up to. most of them, i knew, would be nursing hangovers, or waking up in their car somewhere, or facing a mountain of bottles and dirty dishes.  it felt so simple to have chosen otherwise, and the earth was not shattering....just another day dawning with a list of aims and aspirations to work through....

so i worked all day today in town, in my shop. custom was slow, and the crowd today were not very engaging or engaged with what i was doing - with one or two exceptions. there were no heart warming chats or connections.  i got through most of my list, served a lot of tea, and generated a bit of custom for my businesses.

i was looking forward to returning to my nest, to potter some more, as i have done this evening.

and so begins another year. the last one seems to have happened in a heartbeat.

i am excited for this year. there is change in the air and i like it. i feel full of ideas and am dreaming of plans, and futures and possibilities. i know there's big stuff coming, i can feel it. but i am not afraid, not at this moment. i feel so full of the possibilities......