so, I quit my job yesterday.
it was actually a little more complex than that might seem; but conversely so very simple....
working for myself, as I do, it's not so much a 'job' I have left. I have simply relieved myself of the two days work per week I have been doing in my shop, which I share with two very dear, and very accommodating friends. I have stepped out of the role of shopgirl, which I've filled for the last year and a bit. though, given that it's still a new business, it's not a role which has generated any income for me throughout that time, either. so I haven't actually given up any money by leaving my job.
I have stepped away from any managerial role for the foreseeable future as well. my business partners have so graciously, and gracefully, allowed me the space to put down that weight, so I may work on redistributing, and carrying my other weights with more care and attention....now that's heart centred business in action! thankyou girls.....x
so I have essentially walked away from one of my babies. I love that shop. I love what we three co-created. it's beautiful. and it has served such wonderful purpose for me over the last little while. we envisaged a hub - a place where we could meet friends and strangers, and slow down a minute, sip tea and just chat....the outcome is that i have found such a strong and diverse and nourishing network existing through that space......ah.....I will miss working in town...
ultimately, though, I found that I have been trying to juggle too many balls, and for too long. I have used up all of my reserves of strength and energy. when I try to dispassionately list my priorities at this time in my life, my children, all three of them, crowd up at the top of the ladder and there is simply no ROOM for anything extraneous. and i think that when something loved becomes a burden, instead of a joyful expression of self, it is time to put that load down and have a rest, before regrouping and carrying on with the rest of it.
i will really miss working regularly, though.
i haven't worked full time for about eighteen years, which is probably why i enjoy working when i do. in that time, I have worked and parented, studied and parented, worked, while studying and parenting, and just plain parented....but I have always enjoyed the social aspect of working in nimbin. there's a lot of therapy that goes on in our streets - every moment of every day!
right now, though, i'm chasing a different kind of therapy. one that involves an axe, and rounds of wood. also it involves fireside chats with glasses of red wine in hand; bedtime stories with hot water bottles and rosy cheeked children; bad tv in bed with chocolate; soccer games and the skatepark; walks in the forest; aimless weeding; the chatter that only happens whilst collecting kindling with my children; cheeky daytime naps; the brief schoolyard connections at pick up time.....who knows? maybe even baking....oh, and endless cups of tea!
Wednesday 22 May 2013
Thursday 16 May 2013
day four blues
it's day four, and it's a grind.
I think my limit for 24/7 caring is about three and a half days. is it wrong of me to be feeling so resentful?
after a couple of days of this I lose the power of speech, and if I do happen to answer the phone, or be required to converse - at school, or the supermarket - i'm unable.
it's impossible to not be forward planning - or forward stressing in many cases.
the thing is, we know this illness. this is chemo sick. we have run the course of the fatigue, dizziness, malaise, nausea, wandering pains, bruising, loss of spirit. we have weathered this storm and seen that it ends.
but what of later? what of the OTHER illness? how will I possibly sustain this role when it gets REALLY bad???
I've organised a babysitter/companion for a couple of hours tomorrow night, so I can have a break. and grateful for the prospect, too. it's good that there is enough predictability in this chemo regime that I can safely pop out for a few hours.
it's just so relentless. my other children go to school, and to sleep, and I get a break from them. my eldest dozes a bit during the day, and sleeps for about eight hours at night (though i'm aware of every thump and cough). for every minute that she is awake, I am on call. glasses of water, cups of tea, fresh fruit, cooked meals, remaking the bed, opening the window, taking away dirty tissues and dishes, massaging her feet, washing her clothes, keeping hot water bottles hot, dashing to town for supplies of her latest craving ----- the list is ENDLESS. I groaned a couple of months ago when her grandad sent her home with a doorbell to use in emergencies (the button is in her room and the ringer is in mine). it broke fairly soon after, but I've been so anxious some nights that I've thought I really need to replace it....
just when I think i'm getting my domestic chores in order, there's another demand to be met. after days and nights of it I am so worn out and my patience is wearing thin.
but there is just nowhere to put these feelings. i'm not proud of feeling this resentment. many's the time I've thought i'd do ANYTHING for this child, and now here's my chance. I have joked with her over many years, whenever she accused me of some awful deed in our past I would retort with : 'yeah, well you stole my youth so I think we might be nearly even'. but who am I kidding? I have given this child my life. my entire, independent, adult life has been for and about this child. the others, too, of course, but ultimately her, because she has been with me every step of the way. she is my constant in a changing world. turning 40 this year I will have lived half of my life as a mother.
even with the other two, who need me more than their big sister ever has, I project into a future without her and I feel rudderless. she's the one who has kept me on the straight and narrow. the one who demanded a certain way of life, certain luxuries, when I would have turned my back on all of society and it's conventions.
........
the real problem is that I am stuck at home, my only company an acutely ill teenager. i'm having all of these thoughts in my head and there's nowhere for them to go. I cannot burden her with them. no one comes over and I only leave for the briefest of mad dashes into town for supplies, or for the school run. I am alone with my thoughts FAR TOO MUCH......
I think my limit for 24/7 caring is about three and a half days. is it wrong of me to be feeling so resentful?
after a couple of days of this I lose the power of speech, and if I do happen to answer the phone, or be required to converse - at school, or the supermarket - i'm unable.
it's impossible to not be forward planning - or forward stressing in many cases.
the thing is, we know this illness. this is chemo sick. we have run the course of the fatigue, dizziness, malaise, nausea, wandering pains, bruising, loss of spirit. we have weathered this storm and seen that it ends.
but what of later? what of the OTHER illness? how will I possibly sustain this role when it gets REALLY bad???
I've organised a babysitter/companion for a couple of hours tomorrow night, so I can have a break. and grateful for the prospect, too. it's good that there is enough predictability in this chemo regime that I can safely pop out for a few hours.
it's just so relentless. my other children go to school, and to sleep, and I get a break from them. my eldest dozes a bit during the day, and sleeps for about eight hours at night (though i'm aware of every thump and cough). for every minute that she is awake, I am on call. glasses of water, cups of tea, fresh fruit, cooked meals, remaking the bed, opening the window, taking away dirty tissues and dishes, massaging her feet, washing her clothes, keeping hot water bottles hot, dashing to town for supplies of her latest craving ----- the list is ENDLESS. I groaned a couple of months ago when her grandad sent her home with a doorbell to use in emergencies (the button is in her room and the ringer is in mine). it broke fairly soon after, but I've been so anxious some nights that I've thought I really need to replace it....
just when I think i'm getting my domestic chores in order, there's another demand to be met. after days and nights of it I am so worn out and my patience is wearing thin.
but there is just nowhere to put these feelings. i'm not proud of feeling this resentment. many's the time I've thought i'd do ANYTHING for this child, and now here's my chance. I have joked with her over many years, whenever she accused me of some awful deed in our past I would retort with : 'yeah, well you stole my youth so I think we might be nearly even'. but who am I kidding? I have given this child my life. my entire, independent, adult life has been for and about this child. the others, too, of course, but ultimately her, because she has been with me every step of the way. she is my constant in a changing world. turning 40 this year I will have lived half of my life as a mother.
even with the other two, who need me more than their big sister ever has, I project into a future without her and I feel rudderless. she's the one who has kept me on the straight and narrow. the one who demanded a certain way of life, certain luxuries, when I would have turned my back on all of society and it's conventions.
........
the real problem is that I am stuck at home, my only company an acutely ill teenager. i'm having all of these thoughts in my head and there's nowhere for them to go. I cannot burden her with them. no one comes over and I only leave for the briefest of mad dashes into town for supplies, or for the school run. I am alone with my thoughts FAR TOO MUCH......
Thursday 2 May 2013
I have just this very moment hit upon a new and fundamental understanding of my self.
deep within my psyche I believe that desire is a negative experience - my every experience of desire comes hand in hand with shame of some description. of all the things which I desire on a frequent basis - chocolate and red wine in my mouth; good and uncomplicated sex; chemical oblivion - they all seem somewhat.....inappropriate....there's this little voice in my mind, calling me names, labelling me for these thoughts of desire - greedy, hypocritical, slutty.
is it really so bad to desire, to want? I don't know....is this voice my catholic 'conscience', instilled in me from a very early age; a moral compass bestowed upon me by the one and only true God?
the Buddhists have something to say about desire, too, don't they? my understanding of Buddhism suggests that we are meant to somehow transcend desire.
mindfulness practice would have me notice the desire and then watch as it passes away....I must say, there are times when i'm quite happy to simply inhabit the space of desire, to feel how it feels within me physically - where I feel it, how it manifests in my body....
but then I also think, why am I here if not to have the fullest experience possible? I want to taste all the possible scenarios of human expression. I don't want to keep having the same feelings, thoughts and experiences, every day for my entire life. I want my experience to change, to constantly move and weave through all possible vistas.
and isn't desire just as instructive an emotion as, say, empathy? or joy? or even sadness? surely it's important that we have them all...
I've long ago accepted that I am, in fact, multi-faceted. I am a multidimensional being.
sometimes I hate. sometimes I envy. there are times when I have incredibly uncharitable thoughts about others. sometimes I loathe myself. at other times I love myself. sometimes I eat chips with flavouring on them. every now and then I actually see little fairies in the forest. sometimes I cry with wonder at the beauty of nature manifest in my children. I actually really like drinking herbal tea. I am happiest when I am dancing. and sometimes I want things that I cannot have.
but I refuse to accept that desire makes me a bad person. in the scheme of things, if my children are surviving this intense period of their lives, if my businesses are both thriving, my house is relatively clean and mostly warm, we have good food in our bellies and the washing up is done why can't I roll up a joint, pour a glass of red wine, break up some deliciously bitter dark chocolate and fantasise about good and uncomplicated sex??!!
It all seems ridiculous when I give it a bit of examination. it doesn't stand up to scrutiny. how could desire be 'bad'?.......
so, there you have it. I hereby shake of the mantle of shame and accept my desires as blessings and as integral pieces of the whole.
thankyou for sharing this journey of self discovery with me......
deep within my psyche I believe that desire is a negative experience - my every experience of desire comes hand in hand with shame of some description. of all the things which I desire on a frequent basis - chocolate and red wine in my mouth; good and uncomplicated sex; chemical oblivion - they all seem somewhat.....inappropriate....there's this little voice in my mind, calling me names, labelling me for these thoughts of desire - greedy, hypocritical, slutty.
is it really so bad to desire, to want? I don't know....is this voice my catholic 'conscience', instilled in me from a very early age; a moral compass bestowed upon me by the one and only true God?
the Buddhists have something to say about desire, too, don't they? my understanding of Buddhism suggests that we are meant to somehow transcend desire.
mindfulness practice would have me notice the desire and then watch as it passes away....I must say, there are times when i'm quite happy to simply inhabit the space of desire, to feel how it feels within me physically - where I feel it, how it manifests in my body....
but then I also think, why am I here if not to have the fullest experience possible? I want to taste all the possible scenarios of human expression. I don't want to keep having the same feelings, thoughts and experiences, every day for my entire life. I want my experience to change, to constantly move and weave through all possible vistas.
and isn't desire just as instructive an emotion as, say, empathy? or joy? or even sadness? surely it's important that we have them all...
I've long ago accepted that I am, in fact, multi-faceted. I am a multidimensional being.
sometimes I hate. sometimes I envy. there are times when I have incredibly uncharitable thoughts about others. sometimes I loathe myself. at other times I love myself. sometimes I eat chips with flavouring on them. every now and then I actually see little fairies in the forest. sometimes I cry with wonder at the beauty of nature manifest in my children. I actually really like drinking herbal tea. I am happiest when I am dancing. and sometimes I want things that I cannot have.
but I refuse to accept that desire makes me a bad person. in the scheme of things, if my children are surviving this intense period of their lives, if my businesses are both thriving, my house is relatively clean and mostly warm, we have good food in our bellies and the washing up is done why can't I roll up a joint, pour a glass of red wine, break up some deliciously bitter dark chocolate and fantasise about good and uncomplicated sex??!!
It all seems ridiculous when I give it a bit of examination. it doesn't stand up to scrutiny. how could desire be 'bad'?.......
so, there you have it. I hereby shake of the mantle of shame and accept my desires as blessings and as integral pieces of the whole.
thankyou for sharing this journey of self discovery with me......
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