there's definitely a mania manifest in my domestic sphere tonight. all day in fact. today i dusted, cobwebbed, scrubbed, swept, washed, sorted and moved things about for the entire day. and all the while my youngest kept herself busy all day, with sewing (which ended in tears), guitar playing (which ended in violence), washing the car (which she stuck with to the very end), making a banana and blueberry smoothie (yum!), time spent attempting to train the guinea pigs (not much success), a walk to the neighbours' with cake, reading three chapters of the muddle headed wombat...all manner of things she attempted today. her mood swung wildly between energetic, inspired and creative and tears, frustration, anger and violence. she took a long while to relax tonight for sleeping, her mind racing and keeping her awake.

i recognise her restlessness right now. i feel it too tonight.

and my other beautiful, middle girl has been ill for a week, and she has overnight become bony. she has barely eaten over this time. she has been weak, and hurting and requiring of constant attention to administer medicines, encourage to eat, and drink, and extricate from scraps with her sister....and pick up after!

...and somehow i must wrangle it all in to shape, in order to leave again on monday morning for an indeterminate amount of time....

drinking red wine alone...is this problematic?
it's my first day in my own home in nearly a week. i haven't seen my own children in five days. this week i found myself catapulted, yet again, into a hell not of my own making....sitting in impotence as my daughter battles intense and intolerable pain. bearing witness to her agony. there is something very wrong when i have nothing to offer her; when my only role is to bear witness to her suffering....
is it weak, i wonder, to have the thought that, in the same situation, i would opt out? seriously, i would kill myself; i would take all of my pain meds at once and just end it....i'm questioning quality of life in a very serious way....
this is a very fucked and misunderstood universe indeed...i cannot conceive of the rhyme or reason behind this, and at this moment i have a total and bewildering lack of faith...perhaps it is just drunkeness, but i just don't understand...i can't see the lesson here....i cannot even believe that there is a lesson in this...it is just plain wrong that suffering such as this exists in the world.  we think we are so advanced, so savvy but the reality is that good people suffer unimaginably....