do you know, sometimes these days, i feel i don't even know myself? i do not recognise the person i have become. i am so changed by the events of the last few years. i envisage myself as a piece of elastic, which has stretched too far and for too long, gone through the dryer a few times too many, and has ended up hard, brittle, and no longer flexible. you know the elastic i mean. the waistband of your one time favourite comfy pants, or your favourite undies. that damned piece of elastic which renders the whole thing workable. or not.
i feel like a veteran. of the trenches. can i say that? or is it really insensitive and politically incorrect? i guess i haven't had to endure anything like the deprivation of those guys, but geez i feel wounded some times.
truly, though, i look back on the woman i used to be, and she is a far different woman to the one i feel nowadays. once upon a time i used to cast spells in the tide line using a potent blend of shells, driftwood, pebbles, seaweed, and focussed intent. i many times drew, or wrote, my intent, envisioning my future into being. and so many times it happened that as i drew, so i drew. drew to me that which i so clearly envisioned - sometimes a little in disguise, but always discernible as that which i had wished into being. once upon a time actually DREAMED. i pondered my world, the universe, and from that i IMAGINED. i'd invent the most wonderful scenarios for myself, and then over time be so quietly tickled as i watched these ideas manifest in my life.
somewhere along the line, i have lost my capacity to dream. how very sad......
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