drinking red wine alone...is this problematic?
it's my first day in my own home in nearly a week. i haven't seen my own children in five days. this week i found myself catapulted, yet again, into a hell not of my own making....sitting in impotence as my daughter battles intense and intolerable pain. bearing witness to her agony. there is something very wrong when i have nothing to offer her; when my only role is to bear witness to her suffering....
is it weak, i wonder, to have the thought that, in the same situation, i would opt out? seriously, i would kill myself; i would take all of my pain meds at once and just end it....i'm questioning quality of life in a very serious way....
this is a very fucked and misunderstood universe indeed...i cannot conceive of the rhyme or reason behind this, and at this moment i have a total and bewildering lack of faith...perhaps it is just drunkeness, but i just don't understand...i can't see the lesson here....i cannot even believe that there is a lesson in this...it is just plain wrong that suffering such as this exists in the world.  we think we are so advanced, so savvy but the reality is that good people suffer unimaginably....