isolated, disjointed thoughts running through my mind. there is no beginning, no end to this.
what is 'giving up'? how does it differ to 'giving in', or 'giving over'?
what does it mean when people say 'don't give up'?
what is 'acceptance'?
is there any difference between giving up, giving in, and acceptance or surrender?
i feel too tired to fight - is that a deficiency on my part?

all i hope for is peace, and dignity, for my baby. i don't want her to die fighting. i want her to die feeling at peace, knowing she is loved, and knowing that she lead a good and worthy life, that she will never be forgotten, or replaced.

there is this awful incongruity at play here.  this 'dying' girl seems so vital and full of good cheer.  if only we didn't know about this time bomb inside of her. ignorance truly is bliss......

we've chosen to schedule her radiotherapy sessions at night time, for a number of reasons.  first and foremost is financial - after dark we can access free parking, which is a bonus when parking costs usually hover around $30 for each visit to the hospital.  the other reason is that day time appointments mean hours spent in crowded waiting rooms, staring at bad daytime television which you can never quite hear, or magazines which hold no interest, or old people.....constantly being reminded that this is the domain of OLD people, not beautiful, poised teenagers who are just getting ready to throw themselves out of the nest and into life proper.

by night time it seems the staff have cleared the backlog, and she is seen sooner- sometimes even on time. so we have all day to do things totally unrelated to hospitals, illness and death.

today i took all three kids to the gallery of modern art.  we made stupid hats in the interactive kids space, bickered, annoyed each other, ate crappy food on the river bank - in short, pretended like this was a holiday and we a normal family. tomorrow the little girls are off to visit their aunt and cousin in cairns for a while....trying to distract them from what's going on here....though i wish we could all stay together, forever....i don't want to miss a moment.  i don't want any of them to miss a moment.....

this really is a long, slow, torture.  i don't think i'll ever truly master the art of presenting a happy facade, when inside my heart is slowly breaking. i want so much to have real, fulfilling time all together, while we have the chance, to make some memories to carry with us after she has left us. but i am so consumed with sadness and apprehension for what is to come.....