I have just this very moment hit upon a new and fundamental understanding of my self.
deep within my psyche I believe that desire is a negative experience - my every experience of desire comes hand in hand with shame of some description. of all the things which I desire on a frequent basis - chocolate and red wine in my mouth; good and uncomplicated sex; chemical oblivion - they all seem somewhat.....inappropriate....there's this little voice in my mind, calling me names, labelling me for these thoughts of desire - greedy, hypocritical, slutty.

is it really so bad to desire, to want? I don't know....is this voice my catholic 'conscience', instilled in me from a very early age; a moral compass bestowed upon me by the one and only true God?

the Buddhists have something to say about desire, too, don't they? my understanding of Buddhism suggests that we are meant to somehow transcend desire.

mindfulness practice would have me notice the desire and then watch as it passes away....I must say, there are times when i'm quite happy to simply inhabit the space of desire, to feel how it feels within me physically - where I feel it, how it manifests in my body....

but then I also think, why am I here if not to have the fullest experience possible? I want to taste all the possible scenarios of human expression. I don't want to keep having the same feelings, thoughts and experiences, every day for my entire life. I want my experience to change, to constantly move and weave through all possible vistas.

and isn't desire just as instructive an emotion as, say, empathy? or joy? or even sadness? surely it's important that we have them all...

I've long ago accepted that I am, in fact, multi-faceted. I am a multidimensional being.

sometimes I hate. sometimes I envy. there are times when I have incredibly uncharitable thoughts about others. sometimes I loathe myself. at other times I love myself. sometimes I eat chips with flavouring on them. every now and then I actually see little fairies in the forest. sometimes I cry with wonder at the beauty of nature manifest in my children. I actually really like drinking herbal tea. I am happiest when I am dancing. and sometimes I want things that I cannot have.

but I refuse to accept that desire makes me a bad person. in the scheme of things, if my children are surviving this intense period of their lives, if my businesses are both thriving, my house is relatively clean and mostly warm, we have good food in our bellies and the washing up is done why can't I roll up a joint, pour a glass of red wine, break up some deliciously bitter dark chocolate and fantasise about good and uncomplicated sex??!!

It all seems ridiculous when I give it a bit of examination. it doesn't stand up to scrutiny.  how could desire be 'bad'?.......


so, there you have it. I hereby shake of the mantle of shame and accept my desires as blessings and as integral pieces of the whole.

thankyou for sharing this journey of self discovery with me......