Leeches and limitlessness

I feel so unbearably sad
I have tonight returned from being away for five days. I spent this time in another forest, a forest just over the hill actually.
I spent this time walking, and hanging out with my kids, and my bushwalking buddy lee.
I have come home and now I just feel sad.
I keep thinking that I don't know if I will ever be happy in this house again...
When I am here I feel utterly oppressed. I don't see a future. I don't want to see a future. When I am here I am just plain sad, and I don't want to ever feel any other way. I don't want to go on when I am here. To go on seems the height of sacrilege. When I am here I seem to resist forward motion.

Away though, away I feel liberated. I feel the sense of possibility. Away from here I can dream. Away from here I can simply be, without the weight of this future I don't want and can't see and don't want to see.

I don't want to be back at home. I want to be back in that other forest, in a tent, on an uncomfortable mattress, fast asleep by now. I want to wake at 5.30 and spend the day navigating mud and moss and boulders and inclines and declines and leeches and lunch by a creek or huddled from the rain on a mountaintop......

It occurs to me that what I need is something so foreign, so completely different from anything I have ever known. Planning this trip to Spain is absorbing enough, but I want more. I am resentful of the schedule, of the regimentation which insists that I just steal away some small little piece of time. A few months is not enough to get over this and reintegrate. What I want is an undefined time away from here. I want a limitlessness with my children. I do not want to just get on with life. I don't want
to get back to normal. I don't want to put this all behind us. I cannot any more just patch over the trauma and get on with things.

Tonight I am reminded of the pointlessness of it all. I feel so hopeless....