an open letter to all the married or otherwise attached men in my past, present and future

if you're not capable of monogomy......

                                              ....don't get married

if you struggle with monogomy and are married.....

                                                       ....deal with it

                                                                .....maybe try therapy

if you are married and compelled to have sexual thoughts about other people.....

                                                                                            ....keep this to yourself

call it a delicious little secret if you must

though you tarnish it

(speak to your therapist if you're having trouble processing)

don't burden the rest of us with your forbidden fantasy

..............................................

mostly when i dance, i do so because of how it makes ME feel.....

                                                                    ......it has nothing to do with you

and by the way, it's rude to stare

..........................

just because you find me interesting

and clever

and strong

and sensitive

and sensual

and attractive in many and splendid ways.......

                                                             ......doesn't mean you must imagine fucking me

it is possible to like someone's company without needing to sexualise it

and it's also possible to sexualise without needing to share it

..............................................................................................

yes, of course i am an archetype

but how dare you diminish me?

i am more than you will ever know 

.......so long as you cast me in this role of interloper.......

............................................................

don't make me be the spotlight you're afraid of seeing on your own life.....

                                               .......unless you're prepared to shine your light back on me

come to me radiant,

bring me your light.

.......or don't bother coming round at all.....

i'm no longer enamoured of the shadows

your struggle....

              .....confusion

                      .....torment

                                 ....desire

they hold no interest for me

..............................

i don't want your compulsion

...............................

don't you see?

don't you see that when you WANT me in some way

you close your eyes to what you actually HAVE?

if you are a married or otherwise attached man in my past, present, or future, you are the luckiest man alive....

......you have a wife you have chosen to share your life

who has chosen to be with you...

....as well as a fabulous

clever

interesting

and altogether attractive friend to spend time with....

so leave your struggle at the door my friend, 

come in by the fire, 

and raise a glass to untroubled waters....

gratitude.....again!

i've had a few issues with my water supply this week (among other things!).
my water tank lives up the hill, a couple of hundred metres walk up a stony, quite steep gravel road.  not a big deal, but a brief and brisk heart starter which also reminds me of the existence of my leg muscles.

i'm curious to note that whenever i have issues with my water, my petulance emerges. i have been known to stamp my foot in fury and irritation.  why do i have to sort everything out?! that's the voice which emerges whenever i run out of water.

when the tank runs dry, which it did this week, the walk becomes longer.  past the tank and through the orchard, down the slippery hill through the bush - towering gums and clingy lantana - round the big tree and   across through the knee high weeds around the top of the dam, to the pump house.....about a 15 minute walk all up, and mostly down hill, and carrying a jerry can full of fuel.  it's a beautiful walk, which i've done about 6 times in the last few days.

the walk back is harder, as it's uphill all the way until the very end.  yesterday, as i trudged up that hill, after a couple of hours of hard labour clearing the lantana from around the pump house and the top of the dam, i tuned in to the pattern of my thoughts as i walk.

i really love the forest around my place.  the walk downhill towards the dam and the pump takes me most of the way to the house of an ex lover, who lives on the neighbouring community.  we had secret assignations in that forest, in the distant past.  oftentimes we would walk to each other's houses, through the forest, in the dark, with the wind whipping the tops of the trees, and moonlight illuminating the path. it was almost unbearably romantic....one time, he laid a trail of lotus leaves from my door to his, all the way through the forest and over the creek.  i often think wistfully of those times, as i head down the hill on the first instalment of my walk.

on the way back, however, my thoughts are different.  the way back is uphill. it is a challenge. i challenge myself to go all the way up in one go, without stopping for a breather.  i notice that when i am walking back, i don't tend to look around me at the scenery, i look down, at the ground in front of me, and my thoughts are focused inward, rather than what i am passing through physically.  i tend to think about those circumstances or relationships which are troubling me, challenging me, in the same way as i am being physically challenged.  this walk allows my thoughts to flow unfettered, and i often find some clarity around situations which have been confusing me.

yesterday was no exception. i undid some knots which i had tied in my consciousness and found some clear space in my mind, and into this clear space flowed thoughts which made sense, which unravelled the mess of my emotions, the confusion i have been feeling about a particular situation in my life.

as i trudged up that hill i thought, i have walked miles of grief over this land.  i have shed a tear or two, but i have quite literally walked myself sane out there.  i am so grateful to have that opportunity, literally on my doorstep.

it's funny that my petulance emerges when i have to fix the water, when the truth is that, each and every time i do it, i experience such a sense of satisfaction that i have again triumphed in meeting the needs of my family.  we go a few days without running water and the sense of gratitude when we have it again is immense.  my kids think i'm really clever when i fix a water leak, and, secretly so do i.  that walk through the forest gives me time and space, an opportunity to reflect on my internal life. an opportunity for satisfaction and triumph over adversity.  such opportunities are actually not so easy to come by in every day life.

i am grateful for this reminder to be grateful!

an existential crisis

do you know, sometimes these days, i feel i don't even know myself? i do not recognise the person i have become.  i am so changed by the events of the last few years. i envisage myself as a piece of elastic, which has stretched too far and for too long, gone through the dryer a few times too many, and has ended up hard, brittle, and no longer flexible. you know the elastic i mean. the waistband of your one time favourite comfy pants, or your favourite undies. that damned piece of elastic which renders the whole thing workable. or not.

i feel like a veteran. of the trenches.  can i say that? or is it really insensitive and politically incorrect? i guess i haven't had to endure anything like the deprivation of those guys, but geez i feel wounded some times.

truly, though, i look back on the woman i used to be, and she is a far different woman to the one i feel nowadays.  once upon a time i used to cast spells in the tide line using a potent blend of shells, driftwood, pebbles, seaweed, and focussed intent.  i many times drew, or wrote, my intent, envisioning my future into being. and so many times it happened that as i drew, so i drew. drew to me that which i so clearly envisioned - sometimes a little in disguise, but always discernible as that which i had wished into being. once upon a time actually DREAMED.  i pondered my world, the universe, and from that i IMAGINED.  i'd invent the most wonderful scenarios for myself, and then over time be so quietly tickled as i watched these ideas manifest in my life.

somewhere along the line, i have lost my capacity to dream. how very sad......

the merry go round continues

a sweet and well meaning young woman of my acquaintance asked me today how my week has been. i answered 'it's been challenging' and she asked if i have someone i can download to about it.  i replied that i do.

in all honesty though, this week has been unbearable, and mostly because i feel so completely unable to express my thoughts and feelings to anyone. i have to hold everything together so damn tightly, lest it all unravel and fall to pieces. and besides that, i never get a moment alone, or a moment alone with another adult, in which it is appropriate to purge. i am either working, or surrounded by children.

my poor kids have had to contend with me as morose and uncommunicative, for days now. i go through the motions - they are fed and bathed, they have delicious and nutritious lunch boxes packed each morning, they are encouraged to practice their instruments and get on with their homework.....but that's about it. i can't summon a smile to save myself.

i am obsessively poring over research papers and online forums, looking for some elusive answer which will make everything better, or at least give me some hope.

i just KNOW she is dying. every bad CT scan is just another nail in the coffin and eventually that lid will be nailed down so tight there's no getting out.  it's only a matter of time.

i spoke to a woman recently who believes god cured her husband of degenerative motor neuron disease.  she told me we just have to have enough faith, pray hard enough, and god will cure all ills.  so, where do we agnostics go with that then???  the essential problem is that i don't believe. i don't believe she will ever be really well again.  when i first clapped eyes on that purple lump on her breast, i KNEW how this would end.  having nearly 12 months free of treatment, free of apparent disease....i don't know if that was cruel or merciful really.  it gave us a chance to heal from the trauma of surgery/diagnosis/prognosis/treatment, but more importantly, it gave us a chance to let go of the fear and apprehension.  it gave us a chance to dream again, to plan. only to have all those dreams and plans ripped away, again.

this cycle is killing me, too. it is unbearable. and yet, how can i possibly wish for it to end? because wishing for it to end is wishing for her to die, isn't it??? and how could a mother possibly wish that for her child???

so, in her remarkable self assurance and resilience, the young one in question has gone off interstate to uni this week. doing orientation for the law course she is starting anew this year. while i am here, feeling totally overwhelmed, unable to work effectively, dealing with a shit load of self loathing and grief....i just wish someone would show me how to get off this fucking ride....

i can't see blue knob for the cloud which has settled in the valley between here and there. it's a very strange sensation for my brain. my eyes are straining to see what my brain knows is there. sometimes i think i can catch a glimmer of an outline of the mountain through the cloud, but then it's gone and it seems i have just filled in what i know to be true. i wonder if this is a front, advancing, toward me. hopefully it will bring some rain with it....

it is another example of how the exterior so succinctly mirrors the interior....or is it that i have so successfully projected my inner outward? whichever....

my mind, too, is clouded, yet light still, with birdsong, whispering wind and dancing trees. but it seems i am disconnected, watching, as the front advances.  i struggle for clarity, clarity of vision, of purpose, of direction.

in my home, as i sit and write, sipping a new blend, i briefly hear a mouse, difficult to judge whether it is at my elbow or over the other side of the house.  i look for it, but it eludes me, goes quiet for a while, and then returns to disturb my flow, just when i have finally let it go....

there are mice in my mind, also. little distracting, gnawing, thoughts which dart in and out, stealing my focus, jolting me out of my brief glimpses of ease or understanding. sometimes these thoughts are smelly, putrid, and lingering, like the mouse wee i sometimes find on my clothes, or the occassional, rotting, dead things which appear in odd places in my home.

i'm drinking a herbal blend, to fortify myself for what i can see is a rough road ahead. my friend on the CSG blockade site often uses the term 'red alert' in relation to the battle they are waging against the capitalist, environmental vandals, and this time for me feels like my own, personal red alert.  i feel shaken loose from any complacency, i am confronting impermanence, i am poised to move in the direction that is placed before me. i feel totally helpless to determine that direction myself. the battle is coming to me.

i am preparing to take to the skies. to pack my bags and travel, wherever necessary, in support of my daughter and her own, personal battle against the cancer which gnaws away at her.....holding my bewildered younger daughters close, tighter for the knowledge that i may leave them behind at certain points on the road, as i ruthlessly prioritise the needs of my little family.....

so, wish me luck, comrades, as i take on this latest campaign.

lessons from incapacity

So, I’ve been incapacitated for the last little while.  I fell of a ladder while at work and damaged the connective tissue in my knee. I’m fairly sure this was a message from the powers that be.  At that time in my life I was feeling very inspired, and excited, about projects I was imagining, things I could see myself doing, at some point in the dawning year. I guess I was so busy looking forward that I was not paying attention to what was happening for me right here, right now, and being the wilful and obstinate ox that I am, it took a fall from a ladder to stop me and deliver me into the present moment.

I’ve discovered I’m not very good with incapacity.  I get frustrated at my own incapability and anxious for resolution so I can get a move on with all the things I can see need doing.

I have, however, enjoyed the opportunity to minister to myself – something which I often run out of time for in a busy life.  At this time, it is perfectly okay for me to assert my needs, and seek to fulfil my own needs – it is okay for me to be self absorbed.

A friend came over with a huge tub of turmeric – probably a kilo of it.  I have been making a paste to apply to my knee joint before binding with a firm bandage.  We had fun painting up my youngest with it too, burnishing her golden as a traditional Indian bride! Tonight I added cayenne and cinnamon to the poultice and massaged and gently manipulated my knee and leg through the bandage.  This was an exercise in self belief, actually, as the poultice grew hotter and hotter against my skin and I wondered if I was burning myself. But I felt so good on those muscles which have been clenched in pain and restricted movement for four days now.  I did take the poultice off after about half an hour, but I think it was beneficial and I didn’t end up burning my skin.

I’m also taking turmeric internally, in a mix of anti inflammatory herbs and drinking litres of nettle tea.  Nettle is known for its affinity for the joints, and specifically for drawing inflammation out of the joints.  Additionally, it is a strengthening tonic and nutrient dense – just what I need at this time of recovery and recuperation.

I’m rounding out my therapeutic regime with fish oils and homeopathics – an internal remedy, as well as topical arnica once or twice per day.

My kids have really risen to the occasion. My eldest has been away, but the littlies have really come through for me. My middle girl has cooked dinner two nights in a row, and done a pretty good job with it, too. She has uncomplainingly (mostly) picked up, tidied and cleared whenever asked.

Her younger sister has done her jobs obligingly and even taken on more to help me and her sister out. She asked me to remind her, if I thought she was not taking responsibility!

And the two of them together have pottered about the house, trapped here along with me, creating various masterpieces, inventing, drawing, building cubbies and just generally entertaining themselves, together and alongside one another, with a minimum of fuss and fights.

So, despite my frustration at the thwarting of my immediate plans for physical activity and my current inability to work and move forward in so many areas in my life, I guess it’s true to say that I have enjoyed this time at home with my kids.

I have again been reminded about the goodness of my loved ones, who have variously brought me groceries, kidnapped me and taken me for coffee, driven me to the airport, sat with me at the hospital, dressed my injury and myriad more acts of kindness and generosity.

And that, my friends, is the glimmer of a gemstone, hiding amongst the dross……

fell off a ladder

let this suffice for yesterday's missive.

fell off a ladder at work. damaged my knee which is now a tightly bound and largely immobile, throbbing ball of pain.  i am hobbling about the place with crutches. no driving.....

an enforced rest perhaps.....